


Impossible

by heartsdesire456



Category: The Avengers (2012), Torchwood
Genre: Crack, F/M, Flirting, Gen, Humor, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 08:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the middle of battling invading fish people (at least that's what Steve calls thim) Steve comes face to face with someone from his past. Someone who is absolutely impossible. That impossible someone then proceeds to prove that even Tony Stark isn't that much of a shameless flirt in comparrison.</p><p>(Or a crack fic in which Captain Jack Harkness flirts with <i>everyone</i>. And I mean EVERY. ONE.)</p><p><b>Now available in Chineses</b> <a href="http://www.mtslash.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=84884&page=1&extra=#pid1509796">HERE</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Impossible

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this fic and I'm not at all ashamed of myself. It's hilarious and ridiculous and well... WHY NOT?!

The aliens were _everywhere_. Tony said what they were but Steve just stuck with ‘fish people’. They tried to take them alive but when Natasha had been taken out of the fray from a nasty acid burn to her arm when one of them spit on her, they immediately realized they were too dangerous to not kill. The Avengers, including Thor, had been fighting the fish people for a while before they got the last of them corralled onto one bridge, all of them fighting the last dozen or so to the death. 

Steve was pinned down by one of the last fish men- they were seriously strong- when it opened its mouth to spit acid. “GUYS!” he cried, well aware that, while it wouldn’t be permanent damage on him, a face and eyes full of acid would really hurt. He heard Hulk roar somewhere nearby and turned his head. “HULK!” he called out in hopes of finding help, only to cry in shock when a _gunshot_ rang out and the fish man’s body jerked to the side. Steve scrambled up, kicking it over, confused to see a bullet hole in the side of its head.

“What the hell?!” Tony’s voice came over the comms as he landed next to Steve. Steve looked up and saw the last of the fish people had been taken care of and the team was coming his way, looking worse for wear but nobody injured badly.

“Who has a gun?” Barton asked as he landed lightly next to them, startling everybody as they hadn’t seen anywhere he could’ve possibly leapt from. His sneaky, silent-ninja ways still caught the best of them. Everybody looked at each other in confusion, nobody holding a firearm of any sort. They had got the police out of the way early on in the battle, leaving them to deal with civilians. No one had any idea where the shot came from.

That is until a voice called out from behind Steve. “That’d be me, no need to say thanks, Steve.” Everybody turned and Steve whipped around in confusion, only to stop, dropping his shield when he saw the man walking along the bridge’s railing. He hopped down, coat billowing and started towards them. “Long time no see.”

Steve pushed his mask back, almost believing he was seeing something. “Impossible,” he breathed, eyes wide in shock.

“Who’s the Ken Doll?” Stark asked, both over the comms and mechanically filtered out loud.

The man’s dark hair fluttered in the breeze slightly and he threw a smirk towards Iron Man. “Hi, I’m Captain Jack Harkness,” he said.

Steve picked up his shield, hefting it warningly. “No, that isn’t possible, try again.”

“Steve?” Barton asked and Steve glanced back at the others. “You know each other.”

Steve shook his head. “You can’t be-“

“Alive?” the man asked, raising an eyebrow as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Yeah well, you shouldn’t be either, now should you?” 

Steve swallowed hard, shaking his head. “Captain Harkness was in the war with me. Over _seventy_ years ago,” he said firmly. “Harkness would be in his nineties-“

“If I wasn’t Captain Jack Harkness,” Jack began, eyes twinkling. “Would I remember that time you, Barnes, and I decided to go swimming and ended up-“

Steve’s jaw dropped. “Holy shit, _you’re you_! What in the world-“

“Yeah, right,” Tony interrupted, walking over. “Look, I know all about aging gracefully, but you’re not _ninety_ , dude-“

Jack laughed. “No, I’m actually about one-seventy-nine now,” he said, earning a blank look from Steve.

Tony whistled. “Damn, I really need your secrets, dude. I’m starting to get the worst forehead lines.”

Steve waved a hand. “You looked nearly the same during the war-“

Jack chuckled. “Yeah I was young, wasn’t I?” He shook his head. “Look, how about you guys finish your thing here and then we get a drink and talk about the old days, huh?” he suggested, winking. “It’s been _ages_ for me.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Barton said, nodding at Jack as he looked at Steve. “You don’t believe this guy, do you?”

Steve eyed Jack curiously. “I don’t know. He seems right but it’s pretty farfetched, even considering what we deal with-“

Hulk landed behind Jack with a thud, standing up and looking at them all, then at Jack curiously. He grunted and looked to Steve. “Hulk smash?” he asked, raising a fist towards Jack.

Jack turned and whistled, eyes wide. “Well now.” He smirked and tossed a grin over his shoulder towards the others before turning back to Hulk. “Hey, I’ll try anything once, big guy.” He held out his hand and winked at Hulk. “Captain Jack Harkness, and you are?”

Steve rolled his eyes and turned back to Barton. “Yep, that’s Harkness alright.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Barton sat perched on the arm of the couch almost like an owl as he watched Steve studiously avoiding the guy sitting across from him talking to Thor. They’d brought the so-called Captain Jack Harkness back to the tower with them when they finished their job with the alien fish men. Thor seemed absolutely immune to the down-right shameless flirting the man had been doing with them all. He also seemed to be missing every innuendo the guy threw at him.

The elevator dinged and Clint turned, smiling when Phil walked in. “We’ve brought home a stray, sir,” he called and Phil sighed.

“I thought I told you all to stop that-“

“Whoa, _Coulson_?!” Phil stopped and looked up, eyes widening when he saw Jack stand up, hands on his hips. “You’re a super hero?” he asked in shock.

Phil made his face blank again and continued over. “Actually, I’m an agent of SHIELD. I thought you were dead?”

Jack laughed. “Holy shit, you’re a G-Man, Phil? I had no idea! Wait, does that mean you were monitoring us?” he asked and Phil nodded curtly. “Damn, I honestly had no idea,” he said, grinning. “You look good.”

Phil’s ears turned slightly red and he cleared his throat. “We had been informed you were killed in the line of duty.”

Jack held out his arms. “I didn’t stay dead,” he said, then nodded. “That’s what I was going to explain to Steve when they all got back and let me talk.” He gestured to the others. “Nice crew, Phil-“

“Can you stop that?” Barton asked, bristling slightly.

Phil sighed. “Barton-“

“He’s Agent Coulson to you, pretty boy,” Barton said and Captain Harkness gave him a surprised look. That look morphed into a smirk when he glanced between Coulson and Barton.

“Well now, Coulson. Got your own super hero, huh?” Jack asked, laughing as he sat down. “You dog, you.” He eyed Barton and hummed, eyes lingering on his tight outfit. “Threesome?” he offered and Barton glared, though it faltered slightly as he looked the other man over.

Phil shot Clint a stern look. “ _No_ ,” he stressed, then pointed at Jack. “Hands to yourself,” he warned as he walked over, sitting in the empty space between Jack and Thor.

Tony came in and headed straight to the wet bar. “Okay, who is the overgrown GI Joe, why does Steve know him from the good ‘ol days when that was a long time ago, and how did he get involved in fighting _aliens_?” he asked as he poured himself a drink.

Bruce shuffled in, looking tired and still pretty ruffled from passing out when he transformed back. He fidgeted with his shirt on the way in. “Um, guys? Why is the Other Guy _bashful_ in the back of my mind?” he asked, yawning as he shuffled over to sit next to Steve.

Jack’s eyes widened as he looked Bruce over. “Whoa, the smaller package is definitely the hotter one,” he said, then threw Bruce a winning, cocky grin. “Captain Jack Harkness, and you are?”

“WHOA!” Tony waved a hand as he stalked over, drink in hand. “Back off, pretty boy, I’m the flirt in this tower, get your own super genius,” he said warningly, sitting down close enough to Bruce he could sling an arm around his shoulders. 

Bruce blushed, ducking his eyes under the stranger’s gaze. “Um, B-Bruce Banner,” he mumbled, looking up through his bangs with pink cheeks. “I- hi.”

Tony threw Bruce a shocked look, then glowered at Jack, miming some rather unpleasant looking hand gestures behind Bruce’s head. Captain Jack just winked. “You’re free to join, Stark-“

Phil cut him off. “There will be no ‘joining’ anything. Jack, it stays in your pants. And that’s final.” Jack opened his mouth and Phil glared. “Don’t make me taze you.”

“Coulson’s tazing somebody? Is it Stark again? Can I watch?” Natasha came in, rolling her shoulders, only to slow her step and narrow her eyes as she spotted Jack. “Sir?” she asked and Phil sighed.

“Don’t ask, seriously-“

Jack stood up, offering his hand. “Captain Jack Harkness, and you are?”

Natasha shook his hand, blushing when he ducked and kissed her hand. “I’m- uh- Agent Romanov. Natasha,” she muttered, then turned away with a confused look on her face as she shuffled over to sit beside Clint, who patted her head sympathetically.

“ _Down_ ,” Phil ordered and Jack flopped down, winking. “Stop,” he ordered and Jack made a face.

“Phil, you’re no _fun_.” Jack shook his head. “A collection of asses this nice-“

“Jesus, Phil, you’ve tazed me for less than this,” Tony interrupted, narrowing his eyes at the flush on his cheeks. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” He gestured to Jack then Phil. “No way.”

Jack just gave Tony a smug grin. “About ten years back, Coulson was a liaison with the an American businessman for an event in Cardiff.” He glared. “Though now I suspect that was a cover.”

Steve shot Tony a suspicious look. “Why are you not falling for his charms?” he asked.

Tony shrugged. “I’m the master of flirting, he’s just a pretty face, nothing special-“

“He got into _Coulson’s_ pants,” Steve interrupted. “You cannot tell me you’re immune to that kind of charm, Stark, you’re a walking innuendo-“

Tony shrugged. “What was it Fury said? ‘Textbook narcissism’? I could seduce anybody I wanted to way easier than Captain Nice Coat over here.” He made a face at Phil. “No offence, you’ve got a nice body, Agent, but I’m way too picky,” he said innocently.

Barton snickered. “Yeah, you just flirt with Bruce, not _Hulk_ like Ken Doll did,” he said and Bruce gave their visitor a somewhat disturbed look.

“You _what_?”

Jack just grinned and winked. “Hey, I’m not picky. My criteria is basically alive and willing.” He shrugged. “Counting androids, there’s argument on the ‘alive’ part of that, even.”

Tony whistled. “I’m suddenly really glad I didn’t give you a body, JARVIS.”

“I am most grateful for that decision, sir,” JARVIS answered and Jack smirked.

“Sexy voice there, JARVIS,” he said and Phil gave a longsuffering sigh.

Tony turned to Bruce, a disbelieving look on his face. “Give it to me straight, did a man just flirt with JARVIS or am I seriously tanked right now?”

Bruce chuckled. “Shockingly, for once, you’re not that drunk, a man really did just flirt with JARVIS.”

Tony just chuckled. “Remind me not to let him near DUM-E.”

**Author's Note:**

> God, did you actually read that?! THANK YOU!


End file.
